Who knows what? That is becoming an issue. As more diagnoses have evolved, as more people have a baseline, it gets harder to remember what information has been passed. It is certainly not self evident what interpretations transferred into each person’s view. And there are pods of folks who don’t know, and that I cannot conceive of the right way to express the information. Ironic. Work knows. Friends don’t know.
Today Starfeather commented that I used the word “terminal” for the first time in her knowledge. Inoperable and terminal are synonymous in my mind. I also speak a lot about the chemotherapy goal, which is to shrink the colon cancer but not remove it. Colon cancer in the lymph system tells a tale of sending radical cells to new and creative areas of the body. Terminal.
We all die. Humanly, there will be a perceived cause of death.
My mind rocks back and forth between “I’m living a glorious day” and “remember the impermanence of this moment’s situation”. Inevitability.
I feel no sadness. I feel an inexplainable race against time. “Leave right.” Pack the baby gifts for Rosanna and Indrayani. Write notes of appreciation to all of you. Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. Prepare stuff. Finish stuff. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey. Feel the breeze. Laugh.
We are all on the track. Some have been running a long time and are nearer the end than I. But the difference is that I KNOW I am in the race.
micheleplumbstowell.org 
This is really a race I don’t want you to win. I want you and I to be able to laugh at life together when we are 80 years old. To remember the struggles that we have been through and thank God that we no longer have to go through them.
To eat Crème Brûlée together that you most likely paid for because somehow you are magic with money.
I want to be healthy and then go traveling with you and have experiences across the country. Visiting friends along the way.
I want to hear your endless stories about all your children and what they’re doing. The two you birthed as well as the hundreds of other children you adopted.
I want to email you every day and receive an email back.
I want to continue to learn from you. There’s still so much to learn. Still so much to experience. Still so much to share.
I know you’re not afraid. As long as I’ve known you you’ve never been afraid of death and dying. You’ve always seen it as a beautiful experience.
But I am afraid. I am afraid of being on this planet without my good friend. Without the one person I know I can trust with anything. I’ve told you stuff that would shake other people to their core. But not you. You always find spiritual reasons for everything. And it’s very appreciated when I’m talking about very human things.
I am afraid to wake up on this planet with you not here. Without your beautiful energy. Without your kindness and your compassion. Without your unconditional love and understanding.
I don’t want this race to end, at least not anytime soon.
Can’t you for once not be a winner and come in last? Lol
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