Who knows what? That is becoming an issue. As more diagnoses have evolved, as more people have a baseline, it gets harder to remember what information has been passed. It is certainly not self evident what interpretations transferred into each person’s view. And there are pods of folks who don’t know, and that I cannot conceive of the right way to express the information. Ironic. Work knows. Friends don’t know.
Today Starfeather commented that I used the word “terminal” for the first time in her knowledge. Inoperable and terminal are synonymous in my mind. I also speak a lot about the chemotherapy goal, which is to shrink the colon cancer but not remove it. Colon cancer in the lymph system tells a tale of sending radical cells to new and creative areas of the body. Terminal.
We all die. Humanly, there will be a perceived cause of death.
My mind rocks back and forth between “I’m living a glorious day” and “remember the impermanence of this moment’s situation”. Inevitability.
I feel no sadness. I feel an inexplainable race against time. “Leave right.” Pack the baby gifts for Rosanna and Indrayani. Write notes of appreciation to all of you. Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. Prepare stuff. Finish stuff. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey. Feel the breeze. Laugh.
We are all on the track. Some have been running a long time and are nearer the end than I. But the difference is that I KNOW I am in the race.