In the Woman Unleashed program, well, in any self reflection program, I have looked at the reasons and the actions my mind decides to take on the planet. When Amber wrote about the “holy no”, I could see one of my blind spots. I have been a person who says yes, when NO is the right answer.
I think this happened a lot when I was younger, involved in everything, volunteering for multiple organizations. My prioritization was not what I would have wished, or, perhaps it was not as balanced as I would have wished. I did accomplish a lot. I did alter the world. I know I did what was “right” in that moment.
Amber saw that she wanted to spend more time with her sons, yet, was unable to say yes to experiences with them because of her busy schedule. She decided to use her conscious choice to alter that, to use the “holy no”.
I definitely second guess my priorities of the past, and feel a sense of mental regret. (Again, I did what was right in that moment.)
I could have played more and scheduled less. I could have built time, required time, for casual self care, read more books for myself, done more artistic work for the sake of the action. I could have been more present for the kids, more light hearted and available for play.
Of course, the past is unalterable, and the space of regret can make a person crazy. Noticing history is about deciding what today will hold.
And today, the holy no is about my mind, watching my mind. It can be very busy! In the past, I once identified eight tracks of thought happening in the same moment. It would be like setting up eight stereos in the same room. Each had a theme and intention, and each was functioning independently.
One may have been on music, another on making breakfast, a third was writing or pre thinking a grocery list, the fourth directing the steps for getting the family out the door to school and events. The fifth track may have been planning a Scout event, the sixth getting myself dressed and ready, the seventh was analyzing the news, and the eighth may have been looking at the other seven and considering how those tracks applied to a course I was taking. That’s an example, and it was pretty common for my mind to run like that.
And, again, it wasn’t wrong. Pretty talented really. But busy. I consciously chose to alter it. I learned to quiet the lines, to limit the number. I built the capability to isolate one track, and then to have no track at all. Meditation.
Sometimes meditation has one true track, the watcher. The extra tracks drop outside of self, and the watcher just looks at them, and knows they are something to watch rather than a part of self. The other tracks try to claim existence, and the watcher continues to just watch, to acknowledge the thought… but to recognize it as being something to look at. (And, for me, the most exciting and healing meditation is when the watcher drops away, and the sense of being is expansive, universal, and has no edges whatsoever. No tracks.) But I digress.
Today, my “holy no” is about my mind. Currently, the outside world is made of mandatory actions and appointments. There are holy yeses, where I choose family, Reiki, mentoring. But I need to look at how my mind prioritizes the moments, how many tracks have distracted me. I want to apply the holy no to put more beauty into each day.
God willing, I can be gentle with myself. This is a process. I am a lifelong project, an evolution.