68. Gratitude

They work everyday to keep “me” alive. And I couldn’t cry enough tears, or deliver enough chocolate, or say the words endlessly enough to ever express my gratitude. Thank you.

I keep revisiting this in my mind.  How could I ever express the gratitude that is appropriate to the team that assisted God and my body in existence?  I focus on Dr. Haque with this one, his energy, determination, and endurance.  And he is so appreciated.

red hearts and vintage light box with gratitude message for doctors

How could I ever express the gratitude that is appropriate to the team that assisted God and my body in existence?

Behind him is a team of people that I cannot even fully comprehend.  The easy ones, the anesthesiologist.  The support staff.  The people who cleaned the surgery space for my safety, who delivered sterilized tools.  

And then the team on the recovery floor, nurses, doctors, techs, food services.  It is a vast ant hill of people, who all deserve love and recognition.  They work everyday to keep “me” alive.  And I couldn’t cry enough tears, or deliver enough chocolate, or say the words endlessly enough to ever express my gratitude.  Thank you.

47. Miracle People

And you are a Miracle Person (intentionally redundant). We are honored by your presence. We rejoice in your breath. We appreciate every heartbeat. You make a difference, just by being yourself, just by being in the present world. It is very individual to me right now, and hopefully I can share how you have changed my life. I am so honored and touched!

Everyone is a “miracle person”.  We don’t beat our hearts, regenerate our cells, breath our breaths.  Whatever does that is a miracle, no matter the spiritual/religious/scientific principle that rules the mind.

But when I think of Miracle People, I think of those who have defied the odds.  A lot of you have done that, and either recognize or do not recognize it.  I lived through a brush with death in 2007, when MRSA pulled my body to the edge.  

Mom was (is) a clear miracle.  She lived 13 years after a Pancreatic Cancer diagnosis.  Who did that?  No one did that back in the early 2000’s.  Mom was stitched together by doctors, prayers and a Divine editor of some sort.

person in red and black plaid dress shirt sitting on brown log near body of water

You are a miracle!

I apologize ahead for this, because Wendi is a humble person.  But she is a grand Miracle Person as well, having lived after being literally dead.  I’m glad that choice was made by All that Is, ’cause I can’t imagine a world without her, and the gifts she shares, and all the gifts of history to young women in the Scouting community!

I could list so many of you.  Christine could have popped off the planet this last winter, struggling with, what I never heard her call, advanced pneumonia, coupled with a second term miscarriage.  Crazy!  And we are all honored by her, and how she touches hearts with contributions smattered throughout our universe.

You are a Miracle Person.  Maybe a quick save from death in a car collision.  Maybe an obvious battle with addiction.  Maybe a long medical battle, or a short mental one where you didn’t pull the trigger.  You might have come through unspoken abuse that didn’t quite make it to death.  It’s a long list.

And you are a Miracle Person (intentionally redundant).  We are honored by your presence.  We rejoice in your breath.  We appreciate every heartbeat.  You make a difference, just by being yourself, just by being in the present world.    It is very individual to me right now, and hopefully I can share how you have changed my life.   I am so honored and touched!

46. Don’t Hold Your Tongue

People are looking at their own mortality. If Covid-19 didn’t already bring in the uncertainty of human life, seeing that people are dying quickly around us, knowing that I have a limited number of days left has brought it to light


One of things that I have appreciated about everyone is that you have been very open, honest, and willing to ask questions.  Oh my god… and share your personal experiences of what this has brought up within you!

Don’t hold your tongue.  Share anything.  Ask me anything.  I haven’t found an area where I am unwilling to share, but I also feel like I can tell you that I will get back to you on something later, or just that I don’t want to go there.  Sometimes I don’t know an answer or haven’t looked within in an area that you question, so you help me grow.  

thank you signage

Beautiful words of gratitude flood my world, words coming to me from others.  Thank you!

There are common threads.  

People are reliving their own cancer experiences or health struggles.  I am certainly looking at the people in my life who have had this challenge!  

People are looking at their own mortality.  If Covid 19 didn’t already bring in the uncertainty of human life, seeing that people are dying quickly around us, knowing that I have a limited number of days left has brought it to light.  It’s never a bad idea to look at the technical side, quickly jot down a will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, and get them notarized. (I can share formats!) And then move to the spiritual.  Or do it simultaneously, better.  We all have a limited number of days; we always had a limited number of days    .  I am the lucky one, because it clarifies the vastness for me, and thins the veil.  There isn’t an end.  There is no death.

Some people have looked closely at their connections, relationships, their own needs that will not be met if my body cuts out and they only have my soul to work with.  You can’t get rid of me.  The connection and assistance cannot go away.  But noticing how we rely on one another, and how ego wants it a certain way, is a great spiritual work.  Know thyself.

I think I see a lot of folks embracing helplessness too.  They express it.  They offer to do whatever I could wish, whatever they can.  It is so beautiful!  I can just cry about the outpouring of love that I receive every single day.  And that’s about all anyone can do for me right now.  I live a normal life with a lot of doctor appointments… but the doctor appointments take less time than work did!  The oncologist repeats “no limits”, so I live limitless, normal, super hero normal. It’s a vacation life.  I am having a lot of fun!

Appreciation is another theme.  Beautiful words of gratitude flood my world, words coming to me from others.  Thank you!  And that can’t help but ooze out in all of our visions, to those around us, for their gifts and contributions too.  It’s eye opening.

We are in this life together.  Whatever paradigm you picture, our interweaving, ongoing existence is undeniable.  Ask questions. Speak the words.  Share your experiences. We are growing side by side.  And we are the change the world is looking for, the healing of all that is.

27. Terry Pratchett

Mr. Pratchett received a knighthood in 2009 for his services to literature. IAN NICHOLSON/AFP/Getty Images

Did you read the Tiffany Aching books yet?  Did you start with Wee Free Men, work your way through, and finish with the Shepherd’s Crown, his last book before Death walked him across the black dessert to the Eternal?

First 4 Tiffany Aching Books by Terry Pratchett
First 4 Tiffany Aching Books by Terry Pratchett

Sometimes people wish they had asked for advice from someone before the person died.  I’m obviously giving it as I write, regardless of request.  

Reading any Disc World book will evolve you.  It will bring laughter and light and fun to those who need it.  Depth, insight, and “ah ha” moments will come to those who are looking.  And for me, spirituality, interconnection, and peace ooze between every Terry Pratchett cover.  

Shepherd's Crown by Terry Pratchett

 

My advice, don’t miss this part of earth life.  Read the beloved English Knight.  

(Terry was knighted for    “service to literature” in 2009 and commented “I suspect the ‘services to literature’ consisted of refraining from trying to write any.”  Serious literature, that is.)

26. Mother’s Day Approaching

Mother's Day Card
Happy Mother’s Day

Each person can wear the word mother.  People mother their pets, their plants, their friends, their cars, their kids, their creations… When I use a magnifying glass, each person is a miraculous example of the beauty and grace of mothering.  I just need to look for the right element of focus.  Where are you a terrific mother?

I hear and see Mom.  Classic perfection. Wearing the title “Mother” as passion, occupation, light and love.

 Soft, gentle eyes. She whispers on the wind, “Mother yourself”.  Care for yourself.  Love yourself.  Feed yourself.  Treat yourself like the precious child, the creation of Eternal beauty, that you are.

25. Hair

New baby hairs are constantly popping up on the scalp.  The hair is new, different, maybe grayer or more auburn. It’s growing in.  It’s always been growing in.

Chemo makes hair change.  The types I am on are not supposed to leave me bald, although it isn’t a big deal if it does.  As much hair that I have, I am not attached.  

I notice focus though.  I see the amount of hair I pull out of my brush.  I spin the hairs on the shower into a ball and toss them in the garbage.  A lot of hair.  It’s falling out.  It’s always been falling out.

woman wearing white top
Photo by Garon Piceli on Pexels.com

10. Unwritten

When the multiple diagnosis flooded across my mind, I definitely accepted “an end in sight”.  We all die.  There is nothing wrong with accepting that there will be a terminal moment for the body.  I quite encourage it!  It frees the mind, frees the body, frees the spirit. 

Natasha Bedingfield sings “Unwritten”. A limited number of the words popped into my head a moment ago.  Google helped me find the rest:Michele-Stowell_Blog-Unwrtten_Single

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind
I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window 
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it 

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

When the multiple diagnosis flooded across my mind, I definitely accepted “an end in sight”.  We all die.  There is nothing wrong with accepting that there will be a terminal moment for the body.  I quite encourage it!  It frees the mind, frees the body, frees the spirit.  A quizzical part of me wonders whether a person can actually get to this space without a catalyst.  Try.  Why not!

“The rest is still unwritten.”  Jan, Ndudi, and a host of others opened a new window.  What if this is NOT the end, or a quick end anyway. “Drench yourself in words unspoken.  Live your life with arms wide open.”  The balance screams.  It feels like war.  But the one who watches from above knows it as a dance.  

To live life for the experience, “feel the rain on your skin”, is illuminated now by Covid 19.  The moment calls us.  Appreciate the distinct… the colors, the scents, the sounds, those who are close in our lives.  Notice.  Be here now (yes, I do encourage some Ram Dass).  Everyone on the planet has this extreme homework.  And we’ve been in a fog, ignoring it!

Death, the other partner in the Tango, evolves as a sequel.  In accepting it’s inevitability, we wipe the “dirty window”, and see the evolution of our life on the other side.  There are no ends.  “Today is where your book begins.”