48. Book Drop

Do you ever open a book for insight, just grab it, crack it, read?  My mentoring group has a book called “The Medicine Woman Inner Guidebook” by Carol Bridges.  A few days ago, I just opened to a page.  Wow!  (Page 93)  “SUNSET: Transformation, death, The ride through the dessert toward the setting sun.”  

Terry Pratchett has a lot of his characters cross the black dessert with the book character Death, as they transition to the next step.

Sharing this could be like the “book club” journey.  We haven’t started Stephen Levine’s book yet.  I imagine there will be similarities.

Carol writes, “Affirmation: I accept the changes that will come through higher states of consciousness. All change works to bring about my freedom and my good. I let go and I am free.”

This reminds me of my diagnosis, and the quick acceptance my processing centers had with accepting death.  It was like a quick re calibration.  It was not difficult or painful.  In fact, there was an ease and a relief to realizing that there is a marker.  An ending.  A new birth.

I believe there was always an impending death day, that it has been the same one, will be the same one that was marked by that Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresence that is science/God/spirituality/Universe. 

In this knowing, I feel release.  I feel acceptance.  I notice the ability to see beauty in everything that sucks, or, rather that there is nothing wrong going in this world.  We can all open our eyes to it.  Small things.  Big honors, like family and friends.  It surrounds us.  “I let go and I am free.”

39. Still Me

The most difficult part of cancer is telling people! At first, I feel like I am putting a burden on their hearts, that I am causing pain. Certainly “I” am not doing it.

When I enter and exit the house repeatedly, like when gardening or bringing in groceries, Leo (the dog) barks EVERY time.  Every is an exaggeration, 90% of the time.

And every time I say “Still me, always me”.

Today Shannon called.  It is obviously difficult for everyone to make the first contact after getting “the cancer diagnosis information”.  I can hear it in voices and see it in typed words.  But I am still me, always me.  As we talked, I felt her relaxation and realization.  It’s happened with each of you.  Shock.  Then silence.  Then a path to acceptance that may be a long project of self inquiry.

The most difficult part of cancer is telling people!  At first, I feel like I am putting a burden on their hearts, that I am causing pain.  Certainly “I” am not doing it.  It’s hard though.  With a magic wand, I would convey the information all at once so that there was a quick, complete picture.  People would see the whole thing all at once. 

man in white button up shirt

With a magic wand, I would convey the information all at once so that there was a complete picture.

They would get that:

*I am okay and accepting my journey.  I am actually living a graced and wonderful life, right now, always.

*The interplay with their own path is obvious, and that each has her/his own stuff to do around this.  You get to embrace growth here too.  It’s not just me. 

*If we never speak again, that it is totally cool… but I don’t want to exit without reminding you that I love you and have immense gratitude for the moments we have shared

*The biggest gift anyone can give me (because everyone asks) is positive thought or prayer, and focus on one’s own connection to Eternality.  You heal me by healing you.  Love it.

Magic words.  Swish of the wand.  All of it sinks in in one clear, easy moment.

32. Death with Dignity

I want the right to say that I have nothing left to give. I want God to grant me the grace to exit before I am a burden, a vegetable, a useless form in an empty shell.

In party planning, Nyasha has been pushing for a pre death wake.  Parties are good.  I love party planning.  I am seeing a Day of the Dead theme, face paint, great Mexican food.  Maybe a yearly event… something that happens each year that I concede to stay on the planet, just so it doesn’t get morbid.  Maybe just one party, maybe five.

Without segue, our state has a Death with Dignity allowance.  When a person is terminal, when they are on the road to death, they can choose a date to end the pain.  It is not simple.  It requires paperwork, a waiting period between the choice and the date, and absolute conscious awareness of the person choosing.

Michele Plumb Stowell wish in preparation for death. A flowery photo of People wearing traditional costumes and make-up stand in front of an altar during the Day of the Dead celebration at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, November 2, 2019.
Michele Plumb Stowell wish in preparation for death. People wearing traditional costumes and make-up stand in front of an altar during the Day of the Dead celebration at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Hollywood, Los Angeles, California, November 2, 2019. Photo Credit: ETIENNE LAURENT, EPA-EFE

The Netflix show, Grace and Frankie, has an extraordinary episode where a friend chooses to stop battling cancer.  I cried when I watched long before my own diagnosis.  Babe, the character, had to use a form of personal suicide rather than a medical option.

Death with Dignity is not suicide.  It is controversial.  I am willing to hear arguments in either direction, but I have a strong belief already.  Terry Pratchett did his own research and interviews that are posted on youtube, beautifully done.  He was facing Alzheimer’s at the time, and would not be allowed to choose Death with Dignity at the point where conscious awareness/clinical sanity had left.

In incredible pain, with the body holding to the planet and the spirit ready to transcend, I want this option.  I want the right to say that I have nothing left to give.  I want God to grant me the grace to exit before I am a burden, a vegetable, a useless form in an empty shell.

29. Echo

Gurgling intestines.  Movement in the lower abdomen. Energy focusing to the area of the liver, the area of the masses… Fear?

A photo of a child full of fear describes how the author feels about her pain.
Fear from the pain of cancer is like a child full of fear

In the last day, a reminder, an echo, is passing through my body.  The mind sees the similarities between the current body and the moments or days before I went to the hospital.  It is not classic pain.  I do not perceive most of the body interpretations as pain, not how people would think of it.

But it is a noticing.  Our bodies are designed to react like this.  If I put my hand on the hot stove one time, and suffered a burn, the body sends out a warning plea whenever I am near a hot stove.  It means nothing.  But there is a perception, a fear.  

Fear is a child.  It needs love.  It needs comfort.  It needs to be acknowledged and reminded that all is well in God’s Eternal realm.  The journey is unfolding.  All is well.

21. Terminal

We are all on the track.  Some have been running a long time and are nearer the end than I.  But the difference is that I KNOW I am in the race.

pexels-photo-2402777Who knows what?  That is becoming an issue.  As more diagnoses have evolved, as more people have a baseline, it gets harder to remember what information has been passed.  It is certainly not self evident what interpretations transferred into each person’s view.  And there are pods of folks who don’t know, and that I cannot conceive of the right way to express the information.  Ironic.  Work knows.  Friends don’t know.

Today Starfeather commented that I used the word “terminal” for the first time in her knowledge.  Inoperable and terminal are synonymous in my mind.  I also speak a lot about the chemotherapy goal, which is to shrink the colon cancer but not remove it.  Colon cancer in the lymph system tells a tale of sending radical cells to new and creative areas of the body.  Terminal.

We all die.  Humanly, there will be a perceived cause of death.  

My mind rocks back and forth between “I’m living a glorious day” and “remember the impermanence of this moment’s situation”.  Inevitability.  

I feel no sadness.  I feel an inexplainable race against time.  “Leave right.”  Pack the baby gifts for Rosanna and Indrayani.  Write notes of appreciation to all of you.  Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done.  Prepare stuff.  Finish stuff.  Enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey, enjoy the journey.  Feel the breeze.  Laugh.

We are all on the track.  Some have been running a long time and are nearer the end than I.  But the difference is that I KNOW I am in the race.

10. Unwritten

When the multiple diagnosis flooded across my mind, I definitely accepted “an end in sight”.  We all die.  There is nothing wrong with accepting that there will be a terminal moment for the body.  I quite encourage it!  It frees the mind, frees the body, frees the spirit. 

Natasha Bedingfield sings “Unwritten”. A limited number of the words popped into my head a moment ago.  Google helped me find the rest:Michele-Stowell_Blog-Unwrtten_Single

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind
I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window 
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it 

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

When the multiple diagnosis flooded across my mind, I definitely accepted “an end in sight”.  We all die.  There is nothing wrong with accepting that there will be a terminal moment for the body.  I quite encourage it!  It frees the mind, frees the body, frees the spirit.  A quizzical part of me wonders whether a person can actually get to this space without a catalyst.  Try.  Why not!

“The rest is still unwritten.”  Jan, Ndudi, and a host of others opened a new window.  What if this is NOT the end, or a quick end anyway. “Drench yourself in words unspoken.  Live your life with arms wide open.”  The balance screams.  It feels like war.  But the one who watches from above knows it as a dance.  

To live life for the experience, “feel the rain on your skin”, is illuminated now by Covid 19.  The moment calls us.  Appreciate the distinct… the colors, the scents, the sounds, those who are close in our lives.  Notice.  Be here now (yes, I do encourage some Ram Dass).  Everyone on the planet has this extreme homework.  And we’ve been in a fog, ignoring it!

Death, the other partner in the Tango, evolves as a sequel.  In accepting it’s inevitability, we wipe the “dirty window”, and see the evolution of our life on the other side.  There are no ends.  “Today is where your book begins.”