DeeDee Wheeler : I truly love her with my whole heart

One weekend it all felt like too much and I was really sad and she said “it’s OK if you feel like having a pity party, maybe I’ll join you” and we were literally on the phone for 36 hours.

I have so many memories of Michele, both as a scout leader to my daughter and as a close friend to me. Michele is one of the kindest gentlest, smartest, humblest, honest, self-reflecting people I know. She was no push-over and although she might not have come right out and verbalize her disagreement that often, she had that pinched mouth, one raised eye smirk that said it all. I loved that smirk.

As a troop leader to my daughter, I remember mostly times of being out with the group of kids and her letting them explore and learn and do things that would make me cringe. Walmart in the middle of the night ring any bells? The number of customers getting to the register finding random things in their carts I can only imagine.

A 70-year-old man with a pregnancy test, a 20-year-old girl with hemorrhoid cream and prunes and on and on.

Hitting Denny’s at midnight and everyone being wound up on milkshakes and ordering anything they wanted and being loud pre-teens, I thought she was letting them be ‘bad’ but she was really letting them have harmless fun and teaching them individuality and she was always challenging their creativity. She is truly one of the most creative talented moms I knew. The birthday invitations were always so creative. Who knew you could send a plastic bottle full of confetti thru the mail?

As a friend, Michele was an open book. We could have real heartfelt meaningful conversations or just chat for hours and hours. It didn’t matter what we were talking about. She would listen like she had nothing else in the world more important to do. I never felt rushed while we chatted and sometimes that would keep us on the phone for 6+ hours.  Many a times the housework would be done and dinner prepped before we realized how long we were talking.

I know she had that focus with everyone else she talked to too which is what made her so special. I miss our conversations sooo much!

One call that stands out is when I was going thru a really hard time in my life with lots of big changes one right after the other. One weekend it all felt like too much and I was really sad and she said “it’s OK if you feel like having a pity party, maybe I’ll join you” and we were literally on the phone for 36 hours.

We ate, we cried, we slept, (she sewed patches and swept dog hair while I took baths) and we talked about deep stuff and also sat in silence while switching from cordless phones to corded phones multiple times to charge batteries. That weekend solidified our close friendship and set the tone for many more healing marathon calls.

Selfless, that is the word that comes to mind when I think of Michele. She was the most selfless person I knew while giving so much of herself to others but still knowing when to take those moments to take care of herself as well. She taught me that if I wanted something or needed something to just get it or do it. Make it happen. Why not? What was I waiting for?

I so admired her ability to unplug and take retreats alone. I loved that so much about her. She was humble but knew her worth. I admired her ability to treat each person as if their time spent is the most important time spent and her ability to empathize with every person she came in contact with. No matter what.

I also admired her never ending optimism and trust in her spirituality. She never wavered and if she did, it was very short lived. Like minutes compared to my weeks.

When I think back over the past year and a half, I keep thinking about the fact that I did not hear her complain one time. No matter how hard her journey was at the time, or how much pain she was in, she did not complain. That blows my mind. I will forever think about that and try to be like her in that aspect the most.

She was a mama bear to so many kids and a trusted friend and confidant to me. No one on this earth knows or understands me as much as M did. There was no secret I wouldn’t tell her or no thought I would hold back. Sorry about that part Michele.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

I truly love her with my whole heart

Jan Moberly

I remember her asking me SO often how I was doing in dealing with Mike and finally having to say I couldn’t go to the doctor, or get my hair done without taking him with me.

She accepted me right from the start

Memories…..I remember that she accepted me right from the start…or I felt she did.

I have saved every card she sent. They were beautiful but her words were SO BEAUTIFUL.

I remember her asking me SO often how I was doing in dealing with Mike and finally having to say I couldn’t go to the doctor, or get my hair done without taking him with me.

She got a caregiver for me. I remember how grateful she was last Tuesday for me taking her to Bellevue to her appointment. I still had hope! She was so special to me!

Kimberly Ann Bray, Karolynne DeSoto, and Shannon Ozog

Homecoming! We all got ready at the house and Michele curled our hair. I took this picture and said that I would tell everyone she was my mom. Lol. (Kimberly Ann Bray)

Not necessarily a specific memory, but just all of the moments that she was anyone and everyone’s mom/grandma. She has so much unconditional love for everyone in her life and always made sure we were taken care of. (Karolynne DeSoto)

Any time I got to spend with her and the rest of the crew at her house in Granite Falls. I still remember the night we all painted our own plates! Michelle always made me feel so welcomed and loved, even when I felt like an outsider, which I’m eternally grateful for and will never forget. (Shannon Ozog)

8. Metamorphosis

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Monarch Butterfly emerging from it’s chrysalis Courtesy Steve Greer Photography

Chemo.  There is such a churning and moving and changing within.  It is not comfortable.  (It isn’t entirely horrific either.)  

A caterpillar goes into a cocoon, and is totally reconfigured by the process of metamorphosis.  It’s like that.

Life is entirely altered… and yet “reality” believes it remains the same.  Even within the cocoon of chemotherapy, the viewpoint has a new veil.  The cocoon shadows what was once so clear.  All perspective is shifting.  Anticipation mounts.  

There will be a vibrant, culminating end to the cocoon.  But for now, I sit and watch and listen.  I am in the moment with the life that surrounds me.  A lot of the normal world appears muffled in the shadows.  Perfect.

Falling Up

Climbing Upwards dreamstime_m_162420560In the dream, I stood on the red soil atop a huge butte.  (I had to google search the word for butte, because I have never said it in my life.)  There were no fears, no worries, no issues.  Yet, I definitely fell off the side!

I didn’t fall down.  I fell up.  My body returned to the red ground at the top.  

And there was a pun.  Kwami said I laughed in my sleep.  The whisper jibed, “A colon is a real ass-et!”

7. Go Deep

Wherever my consciousness may be, it is in the perfection of the Divine plan.

Today, the page of The Medicine Woman Inner Guidebook (Carol Bridges) that opened is called “The Exemplar of Bowls: Ever-Deepening Love”.  It is everything one would dream it might be.  Do I need permission to just do and be what I “feel like” right now?

The book just spews endless wonderful quotes. “I have given to all who were young on their road to understanding.  I have shared all of my knowledge, my poetry, all of my heart’s expression.  I have loved deeply and long… When you are lost, I will point the way and let you know you have the feet to walk the road alone.”  

I hope beyond hope I have been there for you.  If anything has changed on the planet, I hope that you have found some form of support, inspiration, laughter, or drive from my presence.  And if not, the good news is I will be with you until the end of time, backing you up, crying your tears and illuminating the way for your dreams and potential.

The words in the lesson resound as appropriate too:  “It is time for you to settle back and integrate your love experiences. Count your blessings.  Bless others with your presence… Your service to others is as natural as breathing… The full thrust of your life now goes toward your devotion to higher being… For all love given, love returns.”  I feel this completely in every moment.  Wherever my consciousness may be, it is in the perfection of the Divine plan.

6. Chemo: Round One

It’s like WWWF, because the truth behind the big picture is that there is no real competition.  Everyone is on the same team.  The cancer is on my team.  The chemo is on my team.  We are all working together in the drama that is bringing a new kind of excitement, pleasure, and beauty to the world.

It’s like smack down, WWWF (I had to look up the acronym… not my field of expertise!).  First time on the mat, the competition standing on the other side, the crowd cheering and screaming, waiting for the dramatized excitement, the actors in the ring, ready to play out the big show, risking their bodies for the scene.

Michele Plumb Stowell WWWFIt’s like that, but it’s not.  It’s like WWWF, because the truth behind the big picture is that there is no real competition.  Everyone is on the same team.  The cancer is on my team.  The chemo is on my team.  We are all working together in the drama that is bringing a new kind of excitement, pleasure, and beauty to the world.

My focus is more often on the evolving perfection around me.  The love and caring of family and friends, pouring toward me with such light.  It’s the kind of beauty where you watch it and tears run down your face because it makes your heart want to explode.  There is no way to hold the obviousness of how love is everything.  

The heart is actually exploding.  I think it is.  Like particles spreading out into the universe, like a body can no longer hold the truth, and so the soul is showing itself as bigger, universal rather than individual.  Obvious.  

But there are those competitors on the mat.  They are playing out the drama.  There is a visual risk.  It looks like sweat and pain and winning and losing.  It isn’t.  

5.Easter

I have had many puncture wounds with the biopsies.  My left hand specifically has PTSD from blood draw punctures, and both have had their share of the drama.  There has been a lot of Crucifixion in my human story recently. 

I thought a lot about suffering and biblical stories and comparisons.  I have had many puncture wounds with the biopsies.  My left hand specifically has PTSD from blood draw punctures, and both have had their share of the drama.  There has been a lot of Crucifixion in my human story recently. 

What was the message being portrayed by Jesus becoming the Christ?  How can we use our own pain and suffering the same way?  How does “resurrection” factor in?  I am looking at myself, and everyone will journey individually.

Since spiritual evolution is the hardest thing in the world to put into words, I can only make a vague attempt.  There is a lifting of fear.  No real fear of death.  No looking forward or back.  No real worries about end results, death or life; everything will be right.  It might seem crazy to believe.  I see it as the first stage in resurrection.

Jesus went up that mountain to meditate and connect with the Eternal truth, to get the power to endure his death from the human realm.  He knew it would be hard.  He knew it would be of benefit to many.  That’s what I would hope and dream my life and death would be, something that somehow brought love, beauty, and inspiration.  Right now, the sun is rising in radiant red behind the mountain peaks outside my window.  It speaks everything without a single word. 

4. Challenge Lasagna

I have always loved Shrek.  “Onions have layers…cakes have layers…You know what else everybody likes?  Parfaits!… Parfaits are delicious…”  Layers.

Michele-Stowell-Challenge-Lasagna-BlogWhen I mentioned Challenge Lasagna to Christine, she reminded me that I have always loved Shrek.  “Onions have layers…cakes have layers…You know what else everybody likes?  Parfaits!… Parfaits are delicious…”  Layers.

For some reason, my mind is on main dishes. No one has just one lasagna noodle right now.  The challenges are piled on.  Noodles, sauce, cheeses, repeat.  We’re all in a challenge lasagna, or a challenge parfait if you are like Donkey, and that’s what you like best.  

There is beauty behind it all, each piece.  The release into control-less-ness.  If we point our internal vision to the incredible gifts, the lack of control seems to be a part of the gift.

3. Deva Premal

What if this IS just a test?  How do we all get the best score?  

Deva and Miten are world leaders in spirituality and the use of Mantras.  They are doing a daily meditation webcast that is available on Youtube and other formats, to support the world efforts in finding peace in virus moments.  

Deva spoke of a time when she was trapped by a situation with no way out (much like many see themselves now).  Something within said, “what if this is just a test?”  

What if this IS just a test?  How do we all get the best score?  

Hint, humanly you can only get to 33%.  You have to take it up a notch in order to get to the passing grades.

Mindfulness Meditation with Deva Premal

 

Mindful: A Meditation Series (Peace During the Pandemic- Coronavirus/ COVID-19 Guided Meditation)

 

0. Welcome!

Embrace my mortality and your own, as we walk down the path of this incredible level of existence

Severe intestinal pain brought me to surrender.  On March 7, 2020, we drove to the Bellevue Urgent Care in Washington State. After multiple blood tests, prods, and a CT scan, the doctor bluntly diagnosed “a large mass around the intestine and two smaller ones in the liver… it looks like metastatic colon cancer.”  And indeed, a week of hospital testing verified it, and further scans added one or two unrelated cancers in the uterus as “the cherry on top”.

Life ended.  Life, as I knew it, ended.  A glowing, painful, death defying, frustrating, challenging, and vibrantly glorious and spiritual new journey began.

Come with me on the adventure.  Ride the roller coaster.  We are all counting down to our last day!  Embrace my mortality and your own, as we walk down the path of this incredible level of existence.