63. Paralysis

I would stare at the body from the eyes. I heard the message. I felt the cold. Minutes would pass. And sleep would come. And I would wake up, still cold, hearing the message. Sometimes motion would happen. Sometimes the paralysis.

Ya, no.  I was never paralyzed.  

There was this weird condition that I witnessed, especially in the first few days after surgery.  The body could disconnect from the instructions of the mind.

I’d be trekking around the race car loop, breaking the sound barrier with my speed (not).  I intentionally took enough laps that sleep came next.  I’d sit down in the chair, wide awake.  Then it hit.  My plan was to sleep.  The blanket was one inch from my side.  My mind was gentle, “Bring the blanket over your lower body”.  Maybe less formal than that.  “Grab the blanket.”

And nothing.  I would stare at the body from the eyes.  I heard the message.  I felt the cold.  Minutes would pass.  And sleep would come.  And I would wake up, still cold, hearing the message.  Sometimes motion would happen.  Sometimes the paralysis.  

It wasn’t just the blanket.  “Eat the applesauce.”  “Drink some water.”  Stillness.  No motion.  I have never watched that happen before.  Not consciously.

But what if it is always there for all of us?  What if that state of inaction is in each day of motion?  Could it be at fault for so many of our issues?  We know what to do, know how to do it.   But implementation is paralyzed.  

Stop going to Starbucks.  Change the way you manage money.  Eat the broccoli.  We hear the directives, and some element of consciousness is paralyzed from the next action.  “Grab the blanket.”  But I cannot.