214 Being versus Doing

I woke at four, no surprise.  The early morning is often referred to as “God’s hour”, the moments that are easiest to connect to the Eternal.  Kwami often chants “Don’t go back to sleep.”  The words have double meaning, but for obvious reasons, I usually don’t. I’ve watched the sun rise every day for a few weeks, hours after starting my day (well, sunrise IS at 7:50).

“Don’t go back to sleep” are words from Rumi’s poem quoted by Wayne Dyer on his Facebook page.

Art work with Rumi's poem "Don't go back to sleep."
“Don’t go back to sleep” art by Molly Strong

Today, I was sitting still, praying, meditating… looking at connection and Divinity, the Divine in the individual, and then God as itself, as all that is.

Enlightenment came to mind.  For me, the definition of Enlightenment is the Realization of God, simple, yet exceptionally complex from the outlook of the mind.  

Saints express enlightenment.  Regular people experience it.  The astronaut, Edgar Mitchell, had it happen instantly in space (https://www.actualized.org/insights/astronaut-enlightenment).  Mom described having the experience in a very illusive way in a draft of a letter.  That is a conversation we never had, and I just want to scream for having missed it.   

It has different names in different religions, and could be said to be the goal of every spiritual practice (although church doctrine has been presented in a way that was meant to keep the general congregation from that knowledge in most American faiths, a political power move).

Although seeking It is twisted, because we inherently are enlightenment, or are One with All that Is, I’ve spent uncountable hours in books and texts from equally uncountable religious and spiritual perspectives. I spent a decade in deep pursuit.  There is something comical about chasing your Truth, like a dog chasing it’s tail as if the tail isn’t the dog.

In my morning prayer, I saw the beauty of the individual, the perfection.  When I backed up in my vision, I watched the individuality merge into the Source.  I sat with that Oneness, observed it for a while.  I listened for what I am to “do” today.

Christmas is the American season of doing.

There was a sense of deep laughter, Divine laughter, the laughter of irony.  There is nothing to be done in the Divine sense.  I can sit still and watch the waves.  I can breathe the breaths and feel my lungs and my heart, acting but not doing.  I can crawl  under the blankets and sleep, sleep, sleep, cuddled in the arms of the Eternal.  These are perfect ways to connect and “be”.  They are not “doing” anything. Some people experience enlightenment in an instant.  It passes through.  The message is forever ingrained.  For others, it lasts months, and they look out through eyes that see the Divine perfection in all that is for all of that time.  

A sacred few were born in the paradigm, and live there for the entire lifetime, spreading the wisdom, seeding others for the experience of realization.  As the story is presented, Jesus could have been a “whole life person”.  The New Testament of the Bible presents it as though he spent that last three years of his life in Samadhi.  Biblical scholars debate.  I chuckle a little bit about Christianity, because, as Jesus said, “You will do even greater things…” (John 14:12), and so many are stuck worshiping an individual (who was no longer individual) rather than moving into their own Divine path, their own “greater things”.  Point fully misunderstood.  

For most people, the experience of realization is too much to hold in the human.  Like Tiffany said, in Terry Pratchett’s Wee Free Men, “We sleepwalk through our lives, because how could we live if we were always this awake?”  And Rumi whispers, “Don’t go back to sleep.”

205 The Chemotherapy Advantage

The best way to describe it might be “work,” there is work happening. Something is shifting, moving, changing, happening.

Sometimes I sleep.  Sometimes I don’t.  But either way it isn’t a struggle.  

The first few days of a cycle, when the chemo drugs are soaring around in my body, there are more changes.  I notice that I can be snappy, or mean, or upset.  It comes and it goes.  I try to really focus, to keep that quiet.  Sometimes hard things spring coldly out of my mouth, and I shock myself, and see my truths and pain in the words.  And I grow.  I also hope my family can handle the balance.  So difficult for them.  How do you apologize for that?

Sometimes I sleep.  Sometimes I don’t.  But either way it isn’t a struggle.  

When I wake up, I can feel the difference in my cells, how the movement of the blood is altered and working.  It isn’t difficult to feel, almost more difficult to unfeel it.  It isn’t uncomfortable, just odd.  The best way to describe it might be “work,” there is work happening.  Something is shifting, moving, changing, happening.  That is the point.  

So this is day five.  Cycle seven has been kind.  I have accomplished an extraordinary number of things, have been able to eat in a more normal, balanced way (with Dr. Bailey’s supplement suggestion, the Naturopathic Oncologist’s balance), have been able to really ring in the holiday season with decorations and joy.

Sometimes I sleep, and sometimes I don’t.

Today I slept almost seven hours.  The past few days it was more like three.  Don’t panic.  It will balance out, I promise.  

I have watched the sun rise four days in a row.  The red tones rise up the mountain range to the East.  The window frames the scene like a moving, changing painting.  The gray skies turn a surreal pink behind the evergreens to either side of the snow capped peaks.  And a new day dawns.  Literally.  The world is new, joy filled, silent.  

Sometimes I sleep, and the dawn and I drift apart.  Sometimes I am awake and embrace each new beginning.